Learning About Myself

Oftentimes when you are in a situation where the pressure and tension is at its greatest, near what you perceive as a breaking point, is when you can shine your brightest. For in those intense moments you learn what you are made of, or at the very least what you need to be made of. Making a film can offer up one, or many, of those moments.

My background has mostly been as a writer. I got into the film industry as a screenwriter for hire, as well as spec writer who oftentimes had several such scripts under option at any one period. It was a safe place to reside, pace, and create, all by my lonesome behind a typewriter, word processor, or computer. I could often work in my pajamas away from the onslaught of the outside world. Let it be crazy out there, for I could always create my own kind of personal craziness wherever I could find a tiny piece of real estate to string a few visual words together that maybe would be a film someday.

So yes, I never really had an aspiration to be a producer or director. That was too much reality for me, too much to deal with. I like my escapist stories I could hide in and make turn out the way I wanted. The real world was too unpredictable and uncontrollable for me to be a serious participant in. I felt driven to create something different, different than what was happening all around me.

Then one day the phones quit ringing. Literally. No one was calling me anymore to hire me to write screenplays, or to option any of my spec scripts. I was “too old.” Yes, of course, there is ageism in Hollywood. I was one of those people who had reached a certain age, but had not sufficiently created a personal brand awareness to be deemed a good hire. Even though after 20 years I knew more than I ever had about what I was doing. But because the credits weren’t there, neither was I. For I was one of those ‘oddities’ who had been hired many times to write a screenplay, but whose project had never actually gotten produced. Oh yes, we had gotten close on a number of occasions. And on others, we got lost in development hell.

So now what happened? I sulked, I thought, I considered, I rejected, and then a light came on. Yeah, I could produce my own screenplay. Sure, nothing to it. Notice I said nothing about directing my own screenplay. Oh gad, how would I do that? Until I realized, after interviewing directors for the script I wanted to produce, that none of them got it. That encouraged me, for I did get it. Hell, I wrote it, didn’t I? I had better get it, or forget it, I’ll quit.

I needed to learn how to direct. Oh hell, that was scary, going out into the real world away from my friendly desk. Okay, here I went. To do this right, forget reading about it, or getting mentored, or whatever. I needed to get on a set and do it. How? I took several workshops that pushed me hard through the process and others that resulted in a short I had directed. By the time I had four shorts under my belt and a toolbox of director’s tools, I thought I was ready to go.

Once I was on set for my first feature and under fire, I would find out pretty quick if I had the right stuff. And then an odd feeling came over me. I wasn’t scared, nervous, or freaked out. I was calm, centered, and focused. It was if I had always been doing this. Not that there wasn’t a learning curve and lots of tense moments, but I usually felt both calm and excited at the same time. And never with a thought that I would fail. I don’t know how to explain it, but I was  … right at home. The process, the people, the creativity, the everything … I loved it. It was as if I had truly found my passion … in my 50’s … after all this time. And I thought writing was my passion. I still love it, but directing is at the top of the hill for me. And not just because of the whole creative process. But because I learned more about myself during the making “Dreams Awake” than I have ever learned doing anything else … ever. A nice extra, very special benefit to unexpectedly discover on my path to finding my real passion. And a very humbling experience to be able to even get to do this. I hope to be ready for a repeat appearance, in creativity and in learning … right on that next set.

JAD